Saturday, 7 September 2013

To Control the Past

I’ve come to the conclusion that existential crises, tend to happen to me only when I want to control time. When I want to go further into the future, or more often, when I want to control the past.
I’ve also realized that I go through existential crises whenever in a time of large change, specifically right now, is a change that leads to uncertainty in every aspect of my life.
Change makes me want to control time, and my inability to do so, makes me suffer a pretty severe existential crisis.
Feels better writing it down, since that’s what I should always be doing, more creatively I admit, but hey, it’s been a long couple of months for me.
The problem that I get when I have an existential crisis, and feel a need to control time, is that I keep on going further and further back into my life, and then I take a metaphorical tire iron to myself, beating the shit out of me for every mistake, past up opportunity, lie, theft, or broken heart(mine included) that I’ve left behind.
I know that I shouldn’t do that. I’ve never actually done anything all that bad. I have some minor consequences in my life that make it harder for me to think that I can accomplish the goals that I have set for myself in my life. I’m aware that I am not alone in this, the trick isn’t to overcome it, I think that that comes later. In a sense, I wish to embrace it, to allow my past to always be a part of me now, accept it, and then see if with that acceptance, I can use my past as a tool to overcome that which is blocking me. And I believe the thing that is blocking me, is fear of the uncertain future that lays ahead.
My mind uses the past on me, as a cheap justification for that fear.
I can’t be with people that I once loved. I can’t live where I once lived. I can live where I live now, I can do what I need to do for myself.
I’m going to hurt people along the way. At points I may lie, I may cheat, I may steal. I don’t know. I’m capable of all things human.
Because that’s what I am.