Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Gentle Relection

Too many times, with too little effort, I found myself in the bed that wasn't mine. The danger of love is that everyone wants it. Like others, I also don't know what to do with it when I find it.

I have explored being alone, though my psyche doesn't provide for as much introversion as I would like. And so, like a buffoon, I put on the sharp looking self that provides a gracious smile and the simple joke. And I woo.

Or at least, I used to. And, assuredly as I am the same man I have been since I was a boy. I will be wooing again soon.

Though perhaps, not like before.

It has been five years since I allowed my heart to feel that complete trust. Not just because the woman that I loved was wonderful and it's hard to find. But because it was my fault that I lost her, and let her go, and gave no real fight to get her back.

And if I let myself truly feel that for another, the fear is that I would lose the fight for her. And fighting for love is something that I am no good at.

A dark sadness hits, but hope remains. Trusting that these fears are unjust, these dreams will come true. That though I am older, I am very young. I will always be young, eager, ambitious and kind. And I have now also become older, wiser, fearless and devout to myself.

A lighter sadness fulfills me most days now. A loss for loves not reached fully to their greatness, a hope for all those loves to have happiness, truly, without me. And despite the grief that it causes me. I look forward to the newest adventure.

One where I can bravely fight, for my own future, in all things.